1.The auditioners are probably a little too stuck on themselves to start with. It's best to put them in their place as soon as you walk into the room. Tell them that their clothes don't match or something. Do this with a disdainful look on your face. Intimidation is an important ally.
2.The auditioner has probably heard the required piece a couple dozen times by the time you walk in. You'd better do something to stand out. Tweak out the tempo...way too fast or too slow. Play the dynamics the opposite of what they are marked. Remember, the trick is to get them to remember you.
3.It's always a good idea to suck up a little. Get inside the auditioner's head. Find out what it is they want to hear, then give it to them. Every time they point at a marking and ask what it means, look at them intensely and ask, "What do YOU think it means?"
4.Never...NEVER admit defeat. If they criticize the way you play something, just snort and reply that your playing is a result of YOUR interpretation, and that they should not try to trample your creative flow. They will respect this.
5.Auditioners want to know that you can work under pressure. Make it seem like you came in after having the worst experience of your life. Wear torn, dirty clothing, hair messed. Wear an old, cracked pair of glasses if you have them. A couple of fake wounds will make it look like you just survived a street rumble. Any person who can audition after THAT deserves a spot in the orchestra.
6.Let them know your credentials. Make them up if you have to. Constantly mention who you teacher is, and how much more knowledgeable they are than the auditioner. This coincides with the intimidation element mentioned earlier.
7.Convince the auditioner of your vast knowledge and expertise with the standard repertoire. You may want to ignore the audition piece altogether and walk in with a completely different work, claiming that the audition excerpt was an inferior selection, and an insult to your abilities. Quickly follow this up with, "Oh...I'm sorry, did YOU pick this?"
8.String players should file their highest string down so that it will most likely break during the audition, forcing you to finish the event on the remaining three. This is a grand spectacle. It worked for Paganini.
9.In some cultures, the sharing of bodily fluids is a high complement and a gesture of respect. Brass players should empty their spit valves in the direction of, if not directly on, the auditioner, just to be safe.
10.Reed players should show the proper emphasis on reed selection and care. Buy 2 to 3 boxes of reeds, and prepare each one. Don't let the audition start until you've tried each one and found the most responsive. Another good way to show your sensitivity to reed condition is to change reeds every two minutes or so, claiming that each one has "lost its will to play," or "hmmm...the humidity in here must have dropped." Check them against the light; balance them on your finger. You can't be too picky.
11.Percussionists: show them you're a real man (even if you're female). Play everything with traditional grip on thick marching sticks...even the timpani, mallets and chimes.
12.Many auditions have gone south due to under-rested performers. Understandably, many people have trouble sleeping the night before a big audition. If this happens, a few cups of espresso should keep you wide-eyed and alert.
13.If you over-do suggestion #12, a good dose of muscle relaxants should even things out.